I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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