Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
