I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
