Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
