Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
