just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
