I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
