I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
