hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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