ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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