So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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