I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
