Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
