actually, I'm a sock model
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
