I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
