yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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