I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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