Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
