My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
