I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
