It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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