Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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