Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
