Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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