I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
