I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize