He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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