i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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