I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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