someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
