The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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