wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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