i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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