I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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