Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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