I think i peed on brittanys purse
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
