chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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