And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
well you can't waste a boner
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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