How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you would pick up someone in the library
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I need a burrito and a hug.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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