Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize