Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
