It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
