I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize