just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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