ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
