It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
