Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
