I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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