My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
