how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize