ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
