In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
