my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
not ubering you a puppy
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
