You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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