There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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