She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
