i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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