my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
