I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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