Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
sarcasm needs its own font
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
