I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
